My mom says this is what they call "the calm before the storm." The last days before literally EVERYTHING changes. Before your whole life is completely different. And you don't go back to how it was ever again. It's like, when you are single, you assume that more than likely you won't be single forever. You know that eventually you will meet someone and start that "next phase" of life. And when you are married, things change, but for the most part, usually, you can retain most of your old life. And of course some people divorce so technically marriage isn't forever. But it's like, when you have a baby. It's like you are that baby's parent FOREVER. It's like, once you are a parent, that's it. You are in-charge of someone else. It's like such a crazy idea. In 5 days (give or take), it's not just Corey & Me. It's like, someone else will always be in our lives. Someone that for the first years of her life will depend SOLEY on us. And once she's here, it's like, you can't go back to how it was "before." I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want like "before".. I'm happy that she is coming. But it's just crazy to think about your WHOLE life changing. Everything is going to be about her. Is she hungry? Is she tired? Is she okay? Is she sick? We go to work to support her. We go to the store to buy diapers for her. She becomes that whole reason for living. It's amazing that one person, as small as they are, can truly become the center of your world.
And of course, with changes come insecurities and anxieties. And "What was I thinking?!" And "Am I truly ready for this?" Though they say, that you never really can be TRULY ready for such a dramatic change. Never ever completely financially sound or mentally sound... it's just something that goes with the NEXT PHASE of life. And it's not that I don't think I am "ready"... I am just, honestly, kinda scared. Especially because it's like, you have no bases for an experience like this at all. Like maybe they might say, "Oh, having a baby? It's like skydiving. It's like free falling out of a perfectly fine airplane." Then I would say, "Okay, sounds like I need to go skydiving then." And then I have a bases for at least something that might be some what similar to what I might experience. But no, they don't tell you that. Honestly, the things that I hear kind of all contradict each other, so basically, it's like FIGURE IT OUT. Here's your baby. Make it happen! That just seriously BLOWS my mind. I am a competent person. I can usually figure out how to solve problems and how to carry on, so most of me knows that I will be perfectly fine taking care of a new life.. but.. it really is still scary.
But like someone said, most of the fear comes from NOT KNOWING. By being human, we tend to fear the unknown. Things are sensible when we can have at least a small comparison to something else. Labor doesn't hurt, you are just tense because you don't know what to expect. I'm not completely on board with that one. I know, everyone is different. I mean, really, I didn't even know I was pregnant for 4 months. That's like completely different from like everyone I know (besides those crazy people on tv. Hah). But the closer that ticker gets to 1.. to 0.. the heart rate picks up, the anxiety sets in, the fear settles itself down. "It's a natural process"... "Women have been having babies for CENTURIES"... "If it really sucked as much as people said it did, our species would die out" ... I guess I never really thought about when it would be ME. You see people having children all over the place. But it's so different wrapping that thought around yourself. I know everything will be fine. I have lots of great support people here around me.
Listening to the quiet of the house... the dogs are napping... I'm listening to soft music... the fan is blowing... I pretty much only have to worry about myself... and then that's when it changes.
And I know.. we won't care that everything is different. We will embrace her tiny frame and her small parted lips and how she completely turned our world inside out and upside down.
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